I wonder...

Why nobody in the group says what they really want on their pizza?

You know what I’m talking about. You’ve got a gathering of anywhere from four to ten folks, either to watch a game, help someone move, or to celebrate life with a few gummies, and someone says: “Let’s order pizza.” This is where the fun begins, and why I have bowed out from taking the pizza order for any such group, since I know what the next impossible question will be: “What does everyone want?”

Queue the indecisiveness:

“It doesn’t matter to me.”

“Whatever everyone else wants is fine.”

“I don’t care.”

“I like anything.”

“Anything but anchovies or tofu.”

C’mon, people! You know what you want on a pizza, and it’s not just anything! Why are we so afraid to express this out loud?

If you were at home, with your significant other, you’d just come out with it:

“Large pizza, one-quarter pepperoni, one-quarter mushrooms, and half BBQ chicken, then extra cheese on the whole thing, except on the mushrooms, 'cause that's just weird. And ranch dipping sauce. Oh! And one of those chocolate volcano thingies.”

Your significant other then pushes back with their version of the perfect pie, and you settle on something in the middle. Or with two large pizzas.

It’s not so simple with a group, right? Is it a fear of pizza shaming for our choice of toppings? “Did you hear what she ordered, Marge? A Hawaiian pizza! Who does that? I don’t think I can let Billy sleep over their house any more. I mean, what other perversions happen over there?”

Maybe we’re too polite, not wanting to seem selfish, or like we’re deciding for the whole group. “Oh, great, I guess we’re all having hamburger and green peppers, since that’s what Bob likes. Don’t worry about what we want, Bob. What a tool.”

Let’s all agree to gather up our courage and say what we want, people. Don’t view it as a demand, but more like the opening for a healthy discussion on how unhealthy we want our pie. We can make this world a better place, one slice at a time. Otherwise, we’ll all end up with a bunch of plain cheese pizza, and nobody other than our kids wants that.

Can the psi listing on a tire be any smaller?

If you’ve ever had to inflate a tire, and hey, who hasn’t―okay, you, in the back row, put your hand down, and get on the YouTube to see what I’m talking about. For the rest of you, why do the tire manufacturers make the most important detail the most difficult to find on the side of those black-walled beauties?

I mean, the tire size is there in 72 font, like some status symbol that will get us preferential treatment at the Dunkin drive thru. “Oh, wow, you have P22575R20s? Here’s some free munchkins, Mister Duford.”

Nobody―except Neil down at the tire shop―cares about your tire size! Meanwhile, I’m trying to inflate my low tire to enough Pounds per Square Inch to not ride on my rim, yet not so much as to create a small explosion in my garage, yet the PSI is listed in size 4 font, requiring a bright flashlight, reading glasses, a magnifying glass, and some saliva as highlighter (c’mon, you know you’ve done it) in order to read this most important detail.

And you just know this was devised by the company’s attorney, who drafted all the CYA legalize, also printed in size 4. “Let’s hide the PSI somewhere in there, so they can’t say they didn’t know about the danger of tire misuse. Heh-heh, this is so great!”

There’s no sense “inflating” this issue further, so let’s move onto the next of life’s conundrums, shall we?

Why dogs like us so much?

If you’re a dog owner, I’m sure you’ve thought of this at least once, but in case you haven’t, here are some reasons our canine companions should not think we hung the moon:

Daylight savings time.

Dogs love routine. And food! So, when we “fall back” an hour in late October, ol’ Rex doesn’t understand why they’re eating an hour later than usual, yet we feel the need to “retrain” them to this insane new reality.

Abandoning them for hours each day.

Let’s face it, regardless of how earnest we are when we say: “It’s okay, I’ll be back” to our doggos in that special sing-song voice we reserve for them, it has to be agony for them being alone for 8 hours while we trudge off to work (which is our agony, but that’s another blog post).

Those forced family fun rides to the vet’s.

All that jumping-for-joy excitement about actually joining us for a ride turns into the oh, crap moment for our fur-babies when they realize they’ve been duped into traveling to their least favorite destination.

The half a treat made to seem like a whole treat thing.

Seriously, Sheila?? Cough it up, or I will later, on the good carpet.

Relegated to their “dog” bed.

So, you want me to curl up on this thin microfiber cloth, stuffed with fragrant cedar wood chips, at drafty floor level, while you folks sink into your plush, Posturepedic pillow-top mattress, and cover yourselves with one-thousand thread count Egyptian cotton, weighted blankets, and rest your heads on ergonomic pillows, rated five stars on that Amazon thing. Could you at least try not to sigh with relief when you hit the hay, two feet above my level? Thanks.

Bath time!

Yeah-yeah, I’m a stinky boy, whatever. You do know my wild brethren relish rolling in any manner of dead things, right? It’s a status symbol for crying out loud! And could you please not use the lilac-scented shampoo when you half-drown me once a month? It’s embarrassing at the dog park, and nobody wants to sniff my butt!

Oh well, Thankfully, they love us, flaws and all, or our lives would not be nearly as full.

Why it takes so long to choose a movie on Netflix?

“Hey, it’s Friday night. Let’s watch a movie.”

“Oh, that’s a great idea! Which one?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe a comedy? What are my choices?”

“Let’s check out the categories. This is gonna be so great!”

(The scrolling commences)

Two hours of your life, a couple of beverages, three pee breaks, and a bowl of popcorn later…

“Ugh, nothing looks good. Let’s just watch Big Bang Theory again.”

“Fine. Want to order a pizza?”

“Sure. What do you want on it?”

“Oh, anything is fine.”

That’s all the insanity I can subject you to this week, folks. Be sure to tune in next week, and bring your friends along for the ride!

And, whatever you are, be a good one.

-Dave