Hoodwinked

The man hurried down the darkened alley, each step along the cobblestone path as familiar as his own chambers. A cool breeze nudged the tendrils of fog before him, swirling them in a timeless, elemental waltz, yet this was not the only dance taking place this night. Another man scurried along these passageways, a meddling mongoose intent on interrupting his destiny. He quickened his pace. 

***

Frank gripped his revolver and soldiered on, his feet feeling the ground ahead of him for any foreign object that might derail his pursuit. This was the closest he’d come to catching the sadistic bastard known as the Snake, and he’d be damned if he’d let some discarded trash foil his operation. He had been two steps behind his quarry for months, but tonight was different, he could feel it.  

***

Damn, how had Frank caught up so fast? The Snake dashed up the last alleyway, leading to the well-lit main drag in the center of town. He’d allowed himself to be corralled on his own turf. How could he have been so foolish? Frank’s shoes pounded close behind. The Snake had slithered through the city for years, among the shadows, where his true power resided. To be brought into the light, to be exposed, would be a fate far crueler than death.  

***

Frank was almost within reach of the Snake now, yet he dared not shoot toward the busy street. Throwing caution to the wind, he put on a new burst of speed. The Snake leapt over an unseen pile of rubble, and Frank crashed into it. He watched, helpless, as his foe sprinted toward victory, yet all was not lost. The streetlight on the corner would soon reveal his identity, and Frank’s heart raced with anticipation. At the last instant, the snake raised a hood over his head and faded into the street. “No!” Frank’s frustrated cry echoed off the brick buildings to either side of him.  

***

The Snake smiled as he mingled with the crowd.  

Okay, so the preceding passage is a total work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons or snakes is coincidental. This is my literary method of introducing you to this week’s topic: Hoodies! 

No, not Hoodsies®, as in the chocolate & vanilla ice cream treat that you ate out of a cardboard cup using a wooden tongue depressor during your childhood. I’m talking about the venerable clothing design that is truly timeless in its usage, and so flexible. Aside from blue jeans, it might be the single-most iconic article of outerwear ever.   

Historical hoodies 

Hooded garments are not new. In fact, my non-scientific search dates them back over 3,000 years, to the Assyrian Empire. Folks used them in the practical sense, as protection from the elements. It wasn’t until the monks got involved and called the hoods cowls that the hoodie first derived its shady usage as a way to hide one’s identity. Yes, hiding behind a cowl does seem more ominous than a hood, don’t you think?  

Harmful hoodies 

Whether on Christmas Eve in 1865, or in a galaxy far, far away, hoodies also create a far less noble impression. The Ku Klux Klan got their hateful start at the end of the Civil War, hiding the identities of their members in white-hooded secrecy. Emperor Palpatine is famous for shrouding his own dark-side-of-the-force identity behind a large hood (although he’d likely call it a cowl, the delusional old monk). And hey, the Grim Reaper would be less horrifying if he was just a skeletal head peeking above his abundant robes, right? 

Heat-preserving hoodies 

Champion Products (formerly the Knickerbocker Knitting Company―a much cooler name―IMHO) introduced the modern hoodie design in the 1930s, when they incorporated a hood onto their popular fleece sweatshirt. The garment quickly became a staple for workers and athletes who needed protection from the elements.  

Hip-hop hoodies 

How many musical artists and skateboarders identify themselves by the style of hoodie they wear? Quite a few. Maybe it’s more than heralding their brand though, since, with a flick of the wrists, they can conceal their facial features long enough to escape the paparazzi.  

Heroic hoodies 

It started with “Robin of the Hood,” as proclaimed by the Sheriff of Nottingham, and continued with comic book superheroes throughout time. And who could forget the custom-made Italian Stallion hoodie from the Rocky movies? C’mon, you can hear the theme song running through your brain even as you read this. Heck, I bet you’ve even donned your own hoodie after watching one of the bazillian rocky films, so you could view yourself in the mirror, throwing jabs and uppercuts while showing off your fancy footwork.  

Hollywood hoodies  

This category is actually what spurred me to write this silly little post. I can’t tell you the number of television shows and movies I’ve watched, where all one needs is their trusty hoodie to outwit any number of law enforcement agencies, from the NYPD to the CIA, FBI, NSA, and hell, even the PTA, for all I know. Think about the millions spent on high-tech surveillance, only to have your suspected target foul all that up with a few ounces of well-placed brushed fleece. “Damn you, Knickerbocker Knitting Company! The enigmatic evil mastermind has eluded our grasp yet again! If only he’d been wearing a cardigan…”  

Helpful hoodies 

At their heart, hoodies are built for comfort. Whether you’re standing on the sidelines watching your kid’s soccer game, working on the docks, or ignoring your family during a given holiday, drawing that hood over your head provides an instant security blanket, a level of anonymity, and increased confidence. You can give yourself a timeout, even on a crowded subway. Adding sunglasses and ear buds allows you to disconnect further still, or to become a more successful bluffer in a game of Texas Hold’em. With the right branding, you can let the world know which sports ball team you root for, the artist(s) you enjoy listening to, and even your sense of humor―or lack thereof. Whatever your reason for wearing this venerable garment, its number of uses is nearly endless.  

Thanks for tuning in, folks. Maybe next week we’ll discuss clothing fads, such as parachute pants or those multi-colored caps with the spinning propeller on top. The point is, you should be comfortable in whatever works for you, and societal fashion pressures be damned. Any chance togas will come back in style? Asking for a friend. 

Whatever you are, seek comfort in being a good one! 

-Dave