In a Bind
They come in multiple diameters and lengths and can hold everything from paper to a Volkswagen Bug. If you want to get snazzy, you can even find them in multiple colors or infused with glitter, which is important with the holidays nearly upon us. Now, if we could only get them in a scented variety, like maybe cinnamon spice. What the heck am I talking about? Glue sticks, of course, and how they are ruining my life.
Oh sure, I know what you’re thinking. How can a little tube of solid glue be of harm? Well, on the surface, they do indeed look innocent, a great invention in fact. The problem is, that in order to make them work their magic, you have to install them into a diabolical little device known as a glue gun, and that’s where the trouble begins. You see, glue guns melt glue to adhere things together, period. It doesn’t matter what the intended target project is, be it felt paper, model cars, or small children. The glue gun does not care.
Those of you who haven’t operated one of these marvels might now ask how one renders a solid cylinder of glue into a liquid concoction. One accomplishes this by exerting extreme heat, my friends. How the glue gun’s inventor managed to cram the thermal equivalent of nuclear fusion into a plastic handheld device and have it all stay intact remains a closely guarded state secret to this day. All I know is one can’t consider any craft project successful until one’s forearms and hands exhibit third-degree burns. Maybe the inventor was a horse lover, getting payback for someone sending ol’ Trigger to the glue factory. We may never know.
Another great invention is Formica, yet even this tough surface is no match for the formidable hot glue gun. I discovered this after dropping the aforementioned weapon crafting accessory onto our kitchen counter while making a pipe cleaner reindeer with my five-year old son. Okay, “dropped” is another way to say “flung violently after feeling white heat searing my pasty white flesh,” but let’s stay on task here. By the time I finished putting out the fire on my arm, the glue gun had worn a hole through the Formica finish and into the particle board underneath. Fortunately, when the smoldering stopped, I used hot glue to fill in the divot. Good as new!
This minor tragedy aside, glue guns are helpful in a pinch, such as the day I was late for an important meeting. There I was, with a toothbrush lodged in my mouth and quickly drawing up the zipper of my only clean pair of dress pants, when it happened. A complete blowout. Standing there, beyond late, with a stuck zipper and gaping wide barn door, I panicked. I had no time, no safety pins, nothing…but the hot glue gun staring at me from the kitchen countertop…
It was a brilliant plan, and the meeting went off without a hitch. Afterward, the three cups of coffee I’d gulped down earlier made their presence known, so off to the men’s room I went…
Somewhere, from far off, I heard Trigger snorting. Loudly.
Whatever you are, stick to it and be a good one!
-Dave
