Making Up At Christmas

My wife and I have been married for over twenty-seven years now, and have made many wonderful Christmas memories. As with any successful relationship, there are learning curves and compromises along the way. This brings me to the subject of today’s post: Makeup.

No, not that mutual-apology-followed-by-torrid-kissing-and-other-indoor-games type of makeup. I speak of the kind millions of folks apply to their face every day. 

Why don’t you take a break from all the office parties, frantic food shopping, and calling out to your Amazon driver by name to let me take you back to a simpler time. Go ahead, pour something nice into your favorite Santa mug and grab a gingerbread cookie or two. There you go, get settled. Here we go.

Once upon a time, in a tiny town with a long name nobody could pronounce…

It was our first Christmas after becoming engaged, so I did what most respectable mates would do and asked my lovely fiancée what she would like for gifts. She listed a couple of items and then dropped the bombshell on me:

“I like having makeup in my stocking,” said she.

“Um, what?” said I.

“You know, mascara, lipstick, foundation―makeup.”

“Oh, thank God. For a minute, I thought you meant mascara, lipstick―wait, what?”

“C’mon, it’s not that big of a deal, I just really like it.”

“My sweet, darling. You already look great without makeup.”

“Nice try.”

“How will I know what to pick out? I’m a thirty-one-year-old bachelor.”

“You’ll do fine.”

“What if I get the wrong things and you end up looking like Jack Nicholson as The Joker?”

“You’ll. Do. Just. Fine.”

I recognized her resolute tone, then looked into those hazel eyes and could see she really wanted this. How could I disappoint her? With a resigned nod, I reluctantly agreed to do my best.

The following Saturday, I truck on down to Walmart, because at least there I can pretend to be after fishing gear or duct tape or something other than my true intent. I roll into the 24-hour big box store at zero-dark-thirty in the morning. I do not want a large audience...or any audience.

First, I put a fishing pole and roll of duct tape in my cart. Then, I nonchalantly circle around the area of beauty supply aisles, humming a manly Christmas carol, while noticing how many shelves have makeup on them. 

Crap, I am in trouble. 

I straighten up, tell myself that a lot of guys shop for uncomfortable things at Christmas time, and dive right in.

Holy powder room, Batman!

Maybelline, Cover Girl, Revlon, organic choices, some sort of physician’s brand, and teeny-bopper selections, each with rows and rows of colors and textures. Yikes!   

I recognize the Maybelline brand and start there. I mean, maybe it really is Maybelline, you know?

Mascara and eye-lining pencils. Very Black, Soft Black, Medium Black, not black at all, fine lines, lengthening and defining, non-clumping, free mirror, oh boy!

Foundation. Let’s see, is she more of an Ivory, Classic Ivory, Natural Ivory, Tan, Blush? Ah, here we go, Buff Natural. That’s kind of like naked, and who doesn’t like naked?

“Excuse me sir, do you need any help?”

Crap. Avoiding direct eye contact, I glance sideways and see a blue-smock with a big yellow smiley face.

“Uh, no, all set. I’m a writer, you see, and I-I’m doing a research project on which cosmetic companies…do…animal testing with their products. Yeah, that’s it, animal testing research is what I’m doing. Thank you so much, though. And have a manly―er―Merry Christmas!”

She walks away, sighing and shaking her head, no doubt counting down the shopping days until Christmas. 

Okay, where was I?

Lipstick. I could go for Pink, Let Me Pink, Make Me Pink, Pink Of Me, Party Pink, Pink Me Up, Pink Wink or Pinkalicious. Hey, what about Almost Nude? Brilliant! Another excellent choice!

Nail Polish. Red is too devilish, black too depressing. Blue, pink, purple, fuchsia, glitter and bubblegum all too teenager-like. Ugh, is clear considered a color?

Eye makeup. Okay, this one looks too bland, that one too bizarre. Ooh, a value pack with four earth tone colors, none too flashy, perfect!

By now, I’m starting to scare myself a bit with how easily I’m differentiating between rich luster, decadent moisture and colors that last. I move on to other accessories like hair clips, emery boards and…what the heck is a scrunchi? I shake my head, thinking of how many people navigate this gauntlet of beauty supplies on a regular basis. 

Christmas morning comes, and I’m more nervous than on the night I proposed, waiting for her to recoil in horror at my choices. My heart nearly stops when a thought strikes me: What if this is one of those premarital tests I’ve read about? Maybe it’s her way of judging what kind of husband and father I’ll be. Crap! Maybe I shouldn’t have gone with all of those “naked” options!

To my relief, she is pleased with most everything, even the multi-colored exfoliating scrubber thingies. It’s a Christmas miracle!

Well, we remain happily married, and though I still hesitate before heading down the makeup aisle to start my Christmas shopping every year, I feel more confident and secure in my manliness as I traipse along, plucking beauty products from the shelves like so much ripened fruit off the vine. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to check out that new line of Luscious Lips I’ve read so much about. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Oh, and whatever you are, however you’re made up, be a good one.

-Dave